The Dream - The Magic

2.The Magic

A call from Keithleen woke me up one Sunday afternoon. She was asking me to help her buy something at the nearby dry market. Feeling bored with the life that I was used to, I didn't hesitate to help her. I wore my faded jumper as fast as I can, and ran to the nearby subway station. I didn't noticed the height of the stairs I needed to climb this time. The stairs I've been ranting about everyday didn't seem too high for me. It felt like I was floating. The feeling was weird, and it became weirder each time I took a step. Finally I saw Keithleen waving our subway tickets, and immediately held my hand and pushed me hard inside the subway so we could both fit in. Yeah, Sunday in the subway. I didn't care that we were like sausages because of the crowded subway. I can smell the fresh sweat of some people around me. Unpleasant smell that'll eventually stick to my skin since there were some bodies pressed against mine. Well, this is the city life, live with it, or die with it.

It's been so long since the last time I went out with Keithleen, we've been friends since we were in high school sophomore. We've been busy with our own worlds, so obviously, we haven't seen each other for quiet a few months. Anyway, it's good to have her around in a city that knows no sleep. Still feeling weird without knowing any possible reason. I asked Keithleen about what we're going to do at the dry market, she winked at me and said, “Nothing, I just thought we should see each other, it's been months you know.”. “Oh yeah, you could've visited me instead!”, I grimaced. “C'mon, where's the adrenaline? You should feel the heat! If not inside the air conditioned office, you are locked inside your apartment! Didn't you notice? It's summer! As a matter of fact, next month, you're turning 25!”, she grinned after exclaiming. “Ugh, yeah another additional number in my stupid life, I want an adventure Keith, something different, something that is not just adrenaline rush, something... unusual, weird, accompanied by... by love, and companionship.”, I said and sighed.

Something is definitely missing in my life. A missing piece of a puzzle that would delicately fit in the hollow inside me, something that'll make me feel complete. Something that has something to do with being alone no more. It could be a companionship that will last forever. An assurance of having someone who would grow old with me, either as a friend... or could be more.

I went back to reality as soon as I heard the announcement of the subway crew that we've just arrived to our destination, the Metropolis Dry Market. I immediately felt the heat of the sun on my skin, as we stepped out from the sheds of the subway. “Feeling the summer? We gotta go swimming soon! I'm excited to wear the two piece bikini my boy friend gave me last Christmas!”, Keithleen said with enthusiasm in her voice. “Where do you wanna go? Boracay? El Nido? or Subic?”, she continued as we pass through the small stores of native stuff like bags, baskets, wooden furniture and sculptures. “Wherever you wanna go Keith, you're the travel agent here. You definitely know the good places.”, I answered while looking at a strange wooden sculpture. It seemed real, the eyes of the little girl were so real, misty eyes, that's what we call them. I imagined the little sculpture in my arms, and I wondered how smooth her long flowing locks are if she was real.

I held on tight to Keith's wrist to stop her from going to the next store. I told her I'm going to buy the little sculpture, and she eyed it with suspicion. “Another day dreaming of having a baby girl?”, she asked with curiosity. I mumbled. She knew I've always wanted to have a baby girl without having a husband, something impossible, since I value the sanctity of marriage. Besides there's no way I'm breaking the rules of being a virgin bride to have a little girl. I would put my family's reputation at stake. The daughter of the provincial governor, a single mother. That would then be one among the many statements of gossips about my life. My baby then, they would call her names, illegitimate child, a baby without a father or the governor’s fatherless granddaughter. I felt my head spinning around. I'm hearing unpleasant things that I couldn't bear. No! There's no way I'm going to allow that. I wouldn't ruin a little life for capriciousness.

“I just want the little sculpture. That's all.” I said with less delight. Alright, she knew me well when it comes to my dream of having a little angel without a father. She held the little sculpture with her hands and commented, “It's little, smooth and very cheap.”. She showed me the tag price. It's sold for five hundred pesos. “Cheap.” I repeated. I saw the lightened face of the cashier, as she covered the little sculpture with old newspaper. “It's the only one left. There were three, this little girl, a little boy and a mother sculpture. Somebody from the north bought the two, and said he didn't want this one.” “Oh, this must be the ugliest and roughest one. “, I said with a little dismay. I saw the face of the cashier shifted from one expression to another. Probably worried I'll change my mind. “Don't worry, I like it and I'm taking it.”, I told her, and she smiled again.

I and Keith moved from one store to another until she felt her stomach complaining. “I'm hungry, let's go.”, she said while wiping away the sweat on her forehead. “Okay.”, I answered following the path that she's trudging. She walked too fast that she almost slipped more than thrice, but didn't care at all. She was in a hurry to eat probably. We walked past several stores more, stores that are ironically amazing because of the things that I could possibly purchase if only my friend is not in a hurry. I saw beautiful native bags with flower designs, the ones I could buy with higher prices on department stores. I saw a rocking chair that I could buy for my grandmother, a handmade hat and a lot more. Things that I might not be able to see again because this could be my last visit here for now. As I allowed Keith to drag me wherever she's planning to go, I felt a pang of pain in my head. It was sudden, felt like I might fall down in any minute. My eyesight is blurring and I could taste the blood in my mouth. I knew this feeling. I've experienced it several times this week. Keith was right, it really is summer, and I knew that my nose would be bleeding often because of the sunny weather. I told Keith to stop, so I could breathe in normally for a few minutes. She understood what I was going through, and so she tried to comfort me by lightly brushing her hand in my back. I felt my tensed muscles relaxed. “I'm sorry.”, I said. “It's alright, I'm used to it. I forgot you're weak during summer, haha.”, she said and grinned. When I finally felt settled, I gave Keith a smile, and told her I'm fine.

We were ready to go when a tall copper skinned guy caught my attention. He was standing beside a plastic ware store that could be 20 steps away from us. I felt a sudden chill inside me. He was wearing a white cotton shirt and a pair of blue jeans. His dark hair was wavy, perfectly matched with his deep set eyes, pointed nose and curvaceous lips. His shoulders are broad, like as if he is willing to protect anyone from harm. He seemed to have a hard chest and rough but strong hands. He looked familiar, but not really. He was looking at me intently, as if familiarizing my features, or probably figuring out if I'm someone he met before, just like what I am doing.

My heart didn't throb. Not at all, but it was in pain. The pain is searing inside, like as if it is cutting my heart slowly. I could feel the blood in my head. I am swirling away from my senses. The feeling is something not explainable. Unfathomable. Something I have never felt before. I was not sure if I liked it.
I didn't know how he managed to make me feel that way despite the growing distance from us. From a far, where all I could see is his fading silhouette, I can still feel his eyes were on me. I didn't want to go, but I could feel the tightness of Keith's grip on my wrist. She wasn't aware of what was happening. She was minding her crying stomach. She must've seen the guy, maybe he just didn't appeal to her the way he did to me.

No, he wasn't heavenly gorgeous like vampires. Not even close to my imagination of perfection, but something in his features was unbearably attractive. Endearing.

Praying

God is amazing.

I wasn't a good Catholic, yet He never fails to give me blessings.

I know there were times he disguised my blessings into sufferings, and of course being the person that I am blamed Him for the pains, yet He still never forgets. I know He never will.

Thank you Dear God, for giving me the chance to start dreaming again, and to start believing them, and now making them happen slowly.

Please guide me.

The Dream - Routine

1.Routine

Waking up. Taking a bath. Dressing up. Battling with the hair blower. Walking fifteen minutes to reach my office. Misting my point finger for the Bio matrix. Leaving the office by past eleven in the evening. Reaching my apartment before twelve midnight. Munching a peanut butter sandwich while waiting for the hot water to boil. Mixing cocoa and a little sugar on my big white mug. Waiting for the hot chocolate to cool down, and drinking it straight. Taking a quick shower while brushing my teeth, and finally sleeping.

The next morning? I'll be doing the same thing.
Chronic. Monotonous. Sad. Boring and tiring – this is my life.

My name is Errina and I've been trying to figure out what I want to be or what I want to accomplish in life. For 24 years, I am still unsure on what kind of life, I would like to pursue. Everybody experienced this, I know. It's the feeling when you actually want to achieve something that you don't even know. It's the feeling of wanting to start your life all over again every day, hoping you'll be able to figure out what you are really meant to be, or probably, to just simply figure out the purpose of your existence. I wanted to learn so much, but I don't know where to start. Or if I already started, I don't know where I'm at.

Until there came magic, untrue as it may seem, it really happened.

Undying

I think it's been over two years since she died. I still miss my grandma most of the time, even when I'm away from home, there are nights I'd suddenly think about her. I miss our bonding moments, her stories, and her cooking. Today, mom and I had time to do some cleaning, and the first part of our operation house cleaning is to give away some old stuff and clothes that we can't use anymore. Since grandma had a lot of clothes stuck on her old cabinet, mom and I sorted everything out. We spent almost two hours and finally decided to let go most of my grandma's clothes. While scattering everything on the floor, we both learned that grandma kept old clothes of my grandpa who died even before I was bored. Clearly, she loved him 'til her last breathe.

He left her too early
"But I would love him still."
She said.

He knew she will miss him
"But I'd still think about him."
She said.

He was worried about her
"But I'll be strong even without you."
She said.

She picked up herself again
Wiped her tears away
And went on living everyday
Like as if he's still there

She'd smell his old clothes
When she misses him
Like as if, the years that gone by
Didn't vanish the scent of him
That was left there

He was her first love
And he was her last

Home

 

 At the end of the day

everybody knows

nothing's better

than your
childhood's comfort zone...

Forgotten

No memories
of our past

No traces
of our pact

You
are synonymous
to betrayal
and disloyalty

Yes you
no longer 
matter to me

Beginner

How do you begin doing something you've been so familiar your whole life?

Ever since I learned that I can finally write words out of the alphabets, I went on, and never stopped- until of course one day.

Growing up, from elementary to after college and working, writing was constant in my life. I've written in everything I can possibly imagine, from plain papers and scented diaries, notebook journals, rose petals, window sills, and car mirrors, even on my own skin.

Writing was my first love, but like every other first loves, it died.

The feeling subsided, and one day I woke up and realized I no longer write.

That realization lead me to a struggle to fight every time I can to get my first love back, I was given some hope, a few chances; I went on and on, and yet I failed. And one day, I finally gave up.

That is exactly the reason why I stopped writing, and it's been over two years since then. Funny how the time goes by…

Writing this post alone took me days to attempt to write about something. I had ideas in my head, but every time I start to write, they just fade away.

Of course, not until today; right this moment, I have a smile on my face. I knew, finally I will have my first post. I am excited, just like any another girl with a new lover. I have butterflies in my stomach right now, and I can't wait to start my life again with something so old, yet feels so new again.

I guess this is how I begin.

Loving my first love, just like the first time.